So you’ve had sex with men your whole life, but realized you were bisexual, or at least definitely not completely straight. And now you’re about to take the plunge. Or maybe you’ve always known you wanted to sleep with women but the time just hasn’t been right. Maybe you’re a lesbian who has simply never had sex. No matter what your origin story is, the first time you have lesbian sex can be extremely daunting. There are hardly any girl-on-girl sex scenes in movies, and when they do exist, they’re usually missing a lot of details and catered towards the male gaze. In-school health classes, you’re lucky if you even learn what a dental dam is, let alone get any education on sex acts besides penis to vagina penetration. Lesbians worldwide are often hounded with the infuriating question: how do lesbians even have sex? But in a society that demonizes homosexuality and female pleasure, it’s easy to see why so many people have no idea what the answer to that question is.

So let me be your Sapphic Sex spirit guide! Welcome. I’m so glad you’re here.

First things first: relax.

People with female reproductive systems are patient creatures. Our bodies can be complicated. This is something everyone with a vagina knows. So chances are, if you’re having sex with another clitoris owner, no matter what their experience level is, they’re going to understand if you need to take things slow. And you should take things slow, especially your first time. (I’m going to be using the she/her/hers pronouns from here on out for ease, but it’s important to note that people with vaginas can have any gender.)

Your first time should be an exploration of your partner's body and also your own. Start with a kiss, a caress. Slowly work your fingers over to her. Feel her arms, her waist, her thigh. Entangle yourselves! Get close! There is no limit to how much kissing can happen in a hookup. Even if you don’t progress -- you just kiss and then go home -- that’s still incredibly fucking dope!

It’s the patriarchal system that places the validity of sex on penetration and ejaculation. Lesbian sex doesn’t have these archaic restraints. Sex is what you want it to be and every sensation can be meaningful and intimate. Sex doesn’t have a specific blueprint or an end goal. There is no foreplay + penetration + orgasm = intercourse. Everything blends together.

So you’ve been kissing and caressing, but you want to take it further. Obviously boobs are a huge plus. You can hold them, rub them, massage them, kiss them, lick them, suck on them, bite them. You can put your face between them and simply be at peace in a realm made entirely of soft cushiony wonder.

After boobs, you’ve got a number of options. There’s a lot of clitoral stimulation that can happen over the pants or underwear before you’re ready to go underneath. But should you choose to, that’s the next step. I remember one of my first times having sex with a woman, we simply laid together, each of us holding the other on the vulva, fingers gently wandering in and out as we got wetter and wetter and wetter. Don’t be in any sort of rush. Just do to each other what feels good and excites you both. You can rub the clit, stick a finger in her vagina, maybe two, maybe three, maybe a whole fist, if that’s what they’re into. You can play the female pleasure system like a fiddle with one finger on the clit, one in the vagina, and one in or on the asshole. Anal stimulation, even just gentle rimming on the outside, can be extremely pleasurable and sensual.

You can grab some toys and play with each other that way. A vibrator inside or on the clit, a dildo, a butt plug. A strap-on, a double-sided dildo. Maybe you want to bring some restraints into the mix and tie each other up. Maybe one of you is into choking and spanking.

Lesbian sex is about give and take. You can pleasure each other at the same time or you can take turns doing different things to each other. Most of the time the courtesy is that if your partner is performing one-sided sexual labor for you, you will return sexual labor afterward in whichever form they prefer that you are comfortable with. It’s not a specific tally system that needs to be tracked like a sporting event, but it’s something to keep in mind. If someone is doing all the work all the time, they might start to feel bad. Everyone is different. Some wlw (women loving women) like to top, some like to bottom, some like to do both. Some do just want to perform sex acts on their partners without wanting anything done to them in return. All preferences are valid, but it is essential that they are communicated with your partner.

It’s very likely that if it’s your first time, you have no idea what you like to do and what role you want to play in the bedroom. That’s okay! It’s a journey that will continue to evolve over time.

You don’t need to know what you enjoy in order to know what you want to try. While it’s certainly lacking globally in terms of positive and accurate lesbian representation, I do greatly encourage you to watch lesbian pornography before you have lesbian sex. I know that opinion may be controversial, and scenes should be taken with a grain of salt, but for me just being able to see how other women moved their tongues or positioned their bodies for different sex acts gave me more confidence to try it myself. It’s hard to imagine the possibilities of lesbian sex if you’ve never seen it done in your life.

Finally: know that it doesn’t all need to get done in one night. In hetero sex, it’s usually over after the penis-haver ejaculates. It’s literally called "finishing." Lesbian sex is the opposite - there is no definitive end so it has the potential to be very brief or go on for hours and hours. Even if you both orgasm, you could keep going. Even if neither of you orgasm, you can stop. I’ve found that with lesbian sex lasting into the night, it’s important that I vocalize when I want to go to sleep. It’s as simple as stating "I’m getting tired, can we cuddle?"

So to wrap up, my little gay prodigy: take it slow, communicate, and watch some porn. If you can, try to take the pressure off. No one is immediately amazing at sex when they first start. It’s something that takes practice and time. Getting to know any new sex partner's body and their preferences will always be a reset of sorts. That being said, gays are at a significant advantage. It’s easier to understand how to stimulate a clitoris when you have a clitoris. So the best homework I can give you is to masturbate and learn what makes your own body feel good!

Bonus Assignments:

• Watch porn
• Set your Tinder preferences to women
• Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel confident and sexy. Maybe buy some lingerie? Some candles? A silken robe? Go ham. You’re hot.

Now go make me proud! I am so excited for you.

Love,

Summer